Just BLOW!

Phone rings.

Mr. Pitt picks up the phone and stares at the caller ID, deciding to put the phone back and not answer.

"It's one of those advertisements...I'm getting to recognize their numbers."

Phone stops ringing, no one leaves a message on the other end.

"You know what I want to do one of these days?"

What's that?

"One of these days I want to buy a whistle, and just BLOW! Yeah, I'm going to answer their damn phone calls and just blow my whistle until they call the police department or Obama's office."

No...I Don't Know.

Today, Mr. Pitt told me, "I'm delicious inside, you know?"

There's a Forgotten Hepburn Movie Star?

"Do they have any stores around here that sell those DVD's?"

(I nod my head)

"Oh, we need to have a day when we go there. I'd like to have some of those around. You know, of the great movies of our time...or, my time, rather... There were some biggies back then. Like...uh, like Gloria Hepburn. And there was that one famous guy, I can't think of his name. He was Mr. Smith Goes to Washington...

James Stewart?

"No..."

(It was...but I tried again)... Uh...Carey Grant?

Yeah yeah yeah!!! Carey Grant, he was the Gone With the Wind Guy, too.

Hm...No he wasn't.

"Oh yes he was, I'm sure of that."

Hm...well I'm pretty sure it's not. (I looked it up, thanks IMDB!)...It's Clark Gable.

"Who?"

Clark Gable.

"Clark Gable...I don't know that name. Are you sure you have it right?"

mmm yep.

"Huh. Well, anyway, I'd like to have some of those around."

Consider Your Source...

Number 8 on the agenda today:

• Look up LYRICA on computer

I printed out information on Lyrica and gave it to Mr. Pitt.

Minutes later...

"Heather, how did you find information on this? What was your source?"

I used Lyrica's website.

"But what was the source, how did you find it?"

Oh, I googled the word "Lyrica" and found their website...remember how I wrote instructions for you on how to do research on the computer? I just typed the word, and Lyrica's website was the first result.

"Okay, but what was your source? How did the word pop into your head to search it?"

...because you told me to look up the word "Lyrica."

"....Oh...(thinking out loud to himself)...So I had a source..."

Should Have Known

First thing on the agenda today was the item "Find address book."

So. For roughly 13 minutes, I was moving and looking through Mr. Pitt's "organized piles, checking his desk drawers, moving furniture, getting on my hands and knees looking under furniture that was too big to move...all while he sat in his favorite chair and watched his stocks go up and down on CNBC.

When I asked him what he had planned for the rest of the day, he responded...

"Oh, well Scott is supposed to come over at 2. He was going to digitize my address book so I could keep better track of it."

...So...Scott has your address book.

"Ooh. Yeah! Yeah he does!"

...So...I don't need to be looking for it anymore?

He Had a Good Laugh About This One For a While

Driving around town...

"Hey! Einstein Bagels!"

Have you ever seen that before?

"Not, but they make you smarter. Guaranteed!"

Good for the Body...and the Mind

Recently, Mr. Pitt has really gotten into naturalistic medicine. He's had me purchase a book from Mayo Clinic about natural medicine, he's trying to get off some of his meds, and has gotten some advice from some sort of "medical friend" upstairs in his building.

Today Mr. Pitt told me the latest piece of advice from his "medical friend":

"Well he's got me on this B6, and that's working! I'm gettin' better. He also said something about some sort of grass...What kind, I don't know. But he says it's great for the body."

AA? AAA? Apple?

Mr. Pitt keeps his batteries and produce in the same drawer in his refrigerator.

Preriphinal Vision

Sitting in his chair, which is located near a window in his apartment, Mr. Pitt was telling me some sort of story, when all of a sudden he jerked his head to look out the window and threw his hands up as if to defend himself from an imaginary attacker.

"That plant out there always distracts me! I can see it out of my preriphinal vision."

Fans Blow AIR?

Looking at another customer's cart in Costco...


"Look at that! I guess they call those things tower fans."

Yeah...?

"You stand it up in a room and it blows air on you!"

huh.

Some People Call Them Potted Plants

At Costco today, Mr. Pitt was, "...glad to see they've got that green stuff! To put in the ground or whatever..."

If Only He Knew What Sports Were.

In the car on the way to the doctor's office (where most of my and Mr. Pitt's most argumentative conversations occur):

I have to leave your house around 4 today. I'm having conditioning for my high school volleyball girls this week. Today we're doing jump training!

(With a puzzled look on his face)..."Jump training? You don't have to do that in volleyball...it's just a bunch of moving around and being fast."

Um. There's a lot of jumping...a lot a lot...You're pretty much always jumping during a volleyball game.

"Really? I don't know..."

When's the last time you've seen a volleyball match?

(Scratches his chin)... "Ooh, it's been a while."

Only $19.95...But Wait!

Looking in the cupholder of my car:

"Ooh!!! Is that one of those iron things?"

Um...No, that's a lanyard with a whistle on the end...See?

"Oh oh oh...well...You know those iron things they have now, you wear them on your wrist and they're supposed to help with balance and circulation and all that. Only $19.95 I think. You know that's a $100 value?

Actually, I just saw someone using one of those...things...well, like a skateboard...on a big spool...to help with their balance."

I know what you're talking about. We used to play on those in gym class in 7th grade. I think it's a little advanced for you, though.

Ouch

"Hey how was your uh...your sporting event this weekend?"

Oh it was really good. Pretty tiring, but my team played well.

"When you say 'your team,' are you talking about the old college crew?"

No, I coach at my high school...so it was the high school girls that were playing at camp.

"Ahh. Well that's a compliment to them. They must really love the sport."

Yeah, I think they really do.

"Of course, it's not as hard as ping pong..."

Never Seen That Kind Before!

We were taking the shortcut from the front door of Mr. Pitt's condo to my car, and walking underneath one of the trees, he suddenly stopped walking.

With his cane, he starting poking or pointing at something on the ground, and said with joy, "oooh! Looks like the flowers are blooming! Hmm...I've never seen that kind before."

It was a pine cone.


...I'll give him a little credit, though. The pine cone was kind of green?

Creepy, or Cute?

"You're so damn efficient! I wish you could just reproduce. Yourself. Reproduce yourself!"

Uh...What, like a clone?

"Yeah yeah yeah!! Then I'd still have one of you around when you go off to school in September."

I'll Be Darned

Got a voice mail from Mr. Pitt yesterday (Sunday afternoon):

"Oh hey, Heather...Mr. Pitt here. Hey listen, I thought I would catch you before you went out of town but uh....I guess...well, oh well. Hey, I got something for ya that I need done. When you get a chance give me a call...uh, Okay."

I called back.

Hi, Mr. Pitt.

"Heather! Heather Heather Heather....hey I thought you would have been out of town by now!"

Oooh yeah. Well, I am. I'm in Stockbridge.

"Oh...Oh?"

He thought about it for a while...

"Your phone can reach that far?"

Well. Yes...It's a cell phone. It can pretty much reach anywhere in the country.

Still thinking about it...

"I'll be darned...I wonder if mine can do that."


And then he proceeded to explain what it was that he wanted me to do.

The recent issue of the magazine Inside The Vatican which he received was not from the correct year which he had requested. Long story short, I need to write a letter, print it, address it, have him personally sign it, and mail it to the publishers in Rome. And it can't wait until Wednesday.

He's a First-Class Guy

We went into Rite Aid today so we could stock up on Mr. Pitt's wine for the weekend. He stopped at the counter to talk with the cashier whom he knows, and I went to grab his two bottles of red wine (Yellowtail and Red Rock...in case you're interested). When I came back, Mr. Pitt and the cashier were laughing and chatting, seeming to have a nice time. When we walked out the door and walked across the parking lot, Mr Pitt said,

"Yeeeah...I like to B.S. sometimes."

B.S.?

"Yeah, yeah... I...I'll tell you when you're older."

I know what B.S. means...I just thought you actually liked talking to her!?

"Oh I do, I do...it's sincere."

So...it's NOT B.S.

"Well...it's sincere B.S."

Oh...uh. Ok.

"I'm a first-class B.S.-er!"

What Really Matters

"Heather, I respect your feelings... You're free, white, and 21!"
~ Mr. Pitt

Now I See Why He Has So Much Money

"Two can live as cheap as one!.....As long as the wife only eats rice."
~ Mr. Pitt

More Similar Than You May Think?

Walking back inside Mr. Pitt's apartment building this afternoon,


Wow, check out the size of that spider on the door.

"My God...I thought that was a weed."

(Just to make sure I heard him correctly...) A weed?

"Well yeah, I don't know the difference."

D34R J35U5...

One of the first dozen times we ate at the same coney island, I was trying to catch up on some gossip via text while we were waiting for our food. At that time, I wasn't sure how he felt about phones-at-the-table conduct, so I held my phone in my lap, beneath the table.

After I finished my phone-ing, I looked up to see Mr. Pitt just smiling with his head cocked to one side, staring at me, and ever-so-slightly nodding his head...

"You know...I just really love to see that people your age still take time to pray before meals."

...and as he continued his happy grin and nodded at me in satisfaction, all I could do was smirk back and agree with him.

It's All in a Day's Work

Example of a standard daily agenda, written and requested by Mr. Pitt:

Agenda - 7-11-10

• Signs of apostasy
• How many requests for release from celibacy since Pope Paul IV?
• Summary of "Vagina Monologues"
• How many minutes in machine to warm cold pizza?
• Statistics of neuropathy. How many people die?
• Find "principal of doubale effect"
• Arrange 2009 Xmass cards
• Obtain map of Disney World
• Type letter to Kathy
• Temperature in Cancun
• Computer lesson
• Purchase Bamboo fertilizer (see attached)

For Future Reference

Note:

If you ever dine with Mr. Pitt and he reaches for the salt, take cover.

The distribution of the pouring of his salt is as follows:

• The first 25% goes into the palm of his hand so he knows that it is, in fact, salt that is coming out of the salt shaker.


• 12% falls onto the food for which the salt is intended.


• 18% may find its way onto your plate and likely into your beverage, as well (this is where strategic plate and cup placements as well as defensive hands will prevent over-salting of YOUR food).


• The remaining 45% is scattered across nearly the entire booth (mostly the table, but partly the seats).

You Learn Something New Everyday!

"What does that sign say??"

...











"...oh, it's a dot. What does that mean?"

It's a pretty popular store...

"I've never heard of it before. Is it like my place...uh...Costco?"

Sure.

Trying to Speak Tech-Savvy

Mr. Pitt totally switched it up today, and he had me go to Boston Market to pick up some lunch.

He ordered the side sampler, which consisted of cornbread and 3 items of his choice (he picked mixed veggies, sweet potatoes, and caesar salad). He also got a brownie.

He dove into the vegetables first and was marveling at how delicious they were when he said,

"You know...I'm going to have to get multiple...copies, if that's the right word (it wasn't), of this and put them in the...the machine there (the refrigerator)."

Teach an Old Dog New Tricks

Mr. Pitt was squeezing a mustard bottle over his burger.

Nothing but air was coming out for about 12-15 seconds.

I put out my hand, and he gave me the bottle.

I shook the bottle downward one time

And handed it back to him.

He opened it, and magically, mustard came out.

His eyes got wide, and he opened his mouth (in awe, I'm guessing).

After he spread his mustard evenly over the burger with his knife he said,

"You know...I'm going to have to remember that trick!! I have a mustard bottle at home that does that..."

Disappointed Viewer

Watching TV and/or reading Catholic World News -

"My God! I look up, and who do I see?.....Obama!"

Well, he is the President.

"Every day!"

Insert Female Joke Here

A few months ago...

We were in the car on the way to rehab, when I mentioned something about (boyfriend) Joe graduating and that he was student teaching...

"I always admired male teachers...THEY really know how to handle the classroom"

Uh... I know a lot of authoritative female teachers.

"Really? I don't know... I think men have...that...that presence. They seem to fair better than the women."


Then I decided to just stop talking for the remainder of the ride. Until Mr. Pitt broke the lengthy silence by saying (he knew that Andy and I moved into the Ferndale house)...

"So, I take it YOU cooked supper last night?"

Why? Because I'm a woman?

"Yeah! I mean, women have that talent..."


And then we had a fantastic discussion about "where people belong" in the world and what jobs men and women should have. It was super fun...

Simply Baffled!

Mr. Pitt heard about an event of which he was curious to learn more about. Two minutes later, I found and printed out an informational page about the event.

"My God! You got that off the machine? Dear me...it seems that everything travels through the air! You know, radio signals, voices...travel through the air......TV... Seems these computers........just so new to me..."

...and then he drifted off to sleep in his chair.

Should I Be Worried?

Mr. Pitt still crosses the street without stopping, looking, or listening (especially since he lost his hearing aids...ugh).

As we were crossing, I said, "Hey, whatever happened to looking both ways?"

That apparently freaked him out and he almost lost his balance, then said, "I guess I'm just becoming dependent on you for that."

So I said, "Yeah, a little too dependent, I think."

And he says, "Or, I guess...you could call it an addiction."


Uhhh. Creep much?

Under the Influence

Just now, I told Mr. Pitt I was going out to get ink for his printer. He asked if I would be coming back. I said that I would come back, print his documents, finish my work, and then leave for the day. He said okay.

When I got back, he was finishing his second tumbler of wine.

"You know, I was asleep, and I woke up and you were gone! And I said, 'where is she? Did she leave me?' I thought you left me for good!"

I told you where I was going, right?

"Yes, but I didn't know you would be back."

Oh...I thought I told you that.

"Well I think I understood...You told me you were going out to get shoes."

Nooo...

"And what I mean by shoes, of course...is coloring for the printer."

yeeeah...

Loco Logo

Since Mr. Pitt has been going to rehab, we decided he needed some tennis shoes. He found an ad in a magazine, and thought they were the greatest things and that he needed a pair of THESE shoes. After many days of trying to convince him that there were entire stores whose sole purpose was to sell shoes, he wasn't giving in, and "felt more comfortable" ordering these Gravity Defyer shoes online.


Here is a picture of the shoe(s) Mr. Pitt had me purchase for him:
Tell me: What do YOU see?

Tomato, Tomato: Zucchini, Zakooney

Around Christmas time, Mr. Pitt received three loaves of homemade bread from his cleaning lady. He offered to give me one of the three, which was super nice! We went to the fridge, and he pulls out the first one...

"Pumpkin...oh I love pumpkin"

He pulls out the second one...

"Banana chocolate chip...that sounds good"

He pulls out the third one...

"...oh, you can have this one...I've never heard of [Za-koo-ney] bread before."

I still haven't told him how to pronounce "Zucchini"

Note the Background Image

The most-used utensil in Mr. Pitt's kitchen is the corkscrew.

The Slowski's are so Boring!

Looking at a Geico Gecko advertisement in a magazine:

"You know, I want to get a painting of that guy. He's so much more interesting than that turtle that someone has on."

Late Night Shopping

Mr. Pitt's sleep schedule = Fall asleep after Glenn Beck at 5 pm. Wake up around 2 am. Have coffee and watch the only thing that is on TV at that hour: infomercials. This is no good because Mr. Pitt likes to spend money, and believes everything that he sees on TV. So far, he has purchased the following (non-inclusive, and this is only since I've known him):

• Automatic shoe shine/buffer combo (I have never seen it used)
• A hardwood floor steamer (Unopened, and returned a week after purchase...he has carpet in nearly his entire apartment)
• A miniature air dehumidifier (okay, he uses that all the time)
• 3 bottles of dehydrated pomegranate powder (??)
• 18 clothes dryer spikey balls which came with...
• 36 bottles of clothes dryer spikey ball solution (12 balls and 24 bottles of solution have since been returned)
• A "Backlife" back stretcher

Now, most of the stuff he uses is completely unnecessary and usually ends up unused and returned (via my taking it to the post office). The "Backlife" back stretcher may come in handy, however, considering he also has purchased an Ab Rocket. Considering his physical condition, if he ever decides he wants to get rock hard abs, he's going to need a good stretch.

Stop, Look, & Listen

Recently Mr. Pitt has put himself into the habit of crutching across the street, expecting cars to either A) Not be there, or B) Stop for him. So, I re-taught him how to cross a street using the "Stop, Look (both ways), and Listen" method. His best portion of this is the "Listen" part, which is scary because...what if he forgets to put in his hearing aids?

Obama vs. Beck

Mr. Pitt's Comcast is out (Internet, phone, and TV...).

Pointing at the TV, he says, "The computer...I mean the...the TV...well, I guess that's a computer, too... The TV machine is out"

I scope it out...sure enough the Computer TV Machine (AKA, Cable) isn't working.

"I get that all the time. I wonder if it's Obama's doing. He's probably trying to get back at Glen Beck."

Some of You Have Already Heard This.

A couple weeks ago, Mr. Pitt had a really crappy day in rehab. Usually he does exercises for a full hour, but he only made it through the first 15 minutes before he quit.

The next time I saw him that week, he told me he knew why he did so badly.

"Before rehab on Tuesday, I had eaten those Altoids."
How many did you have?
"Oh, the whole tin. It messed up my stomach a bit."
Wow, that's really not good for you, that's a lot of sugar!
"Well I didn't think they were bad for me because they don't have any sugar in them. It doesn't say so on the front of the tin"
You have to look at the back of the tin...where the ingredients are listed.
"I'll be darned..."

...And that's not the first time Mr. Pitt has eaten an entire tin of Altoids in one sitting.

Ya think?

"I'll tell you what, if I do ever have to go to a nursing home, I'm sure as hell going to want one with a bathroom."

Nine Months Too Late

After working with Mr. Pitt for almost 9 months, I'm finally starting a blog of his comments, ideas, suggestions, requests, habits, mannerisms, and anything else about him that is absurd. There's a lot. I'll do my best to catch everyone up on past stories, and I should have new things to add almost daily. I hope you enjoy peeking into the life and mind of Mr. Pitt!